The pain and the flames can be beautiful if you look at them from the right perspective.

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

This is ridiculous. Why does this keep happening?
Why do I keep allowing it to happen?
I'm usually "the rock"
The one who is always ok.
The one who is always smiling.
Always listens.
Always puts everyone elses feelings before my own.
I can't do it anymore
I can't keep pretending that this doesn't hurt
That it doesn't affect me
I lose a part myself every time I do.

I am being pummeled with the realization lately that I'm not as solid as I thought I was. I used to be sort of a rock when it came to life. I knew where I stood and I wouldn't waiver...Ever.
Lately things have been getting under my skin and I am learning the hard way that I can't be perfect all the time. I'm trying to stop kicking myself for the mistakes I have made and get on with life. It's happening slowly but surely.
People think I am a happy person who doesn't let things get under her skin...Ever.
That is a lie. I just hide it well. I put on a smile and shrug things off and pretend that I am bullet proof but as soon as I am alone that changes.

I just want to be able to feel happy again. I want to be back where I was before things changed.

The Struggle

There is been a bit of a struggle going on inside of me lately.

An argument if you will.

Between what I know is right and what I know is the devil trying to get in there and confuse me. This feeling that I am wasting my time, prolonging the inevitable, that being nice to my patients is just encouraging them to call me in the middle of the night for something stupid is fighting with the knowledge that what I do is important, that I need to treat people the way I would want to be treated, the knowledge that I have been there and know what its like to be the patient.

My heart is fighting with my head.

My heart is telling me that I need to go back to church, that although I read my Bible and pray (almost) every day it isn't enough anymore,
that I need to "fellowship" with other Christians.
My head is reminding me that I grew up in church and that I don't go back because I am sick of the politics, sick of the pastors who start out preaching the word of God and following what God tells them to do but slowly become power hungry, greedy, extortionists who use their congregations trust in them to guilt trip money from the pockets of people who hardly have anything to begin with in order to build multi-million dollar houses because "God wants me to live this way" No longer caring about "the least of these" because doing so would take money out of their own pockets.

Knowing that people look down their noses at me because I chose a career over college.

Thinking that Christians would understand the concept of God calling you to do something and being surprised because they don't.

Slowly my head is starting to catch up with my heart.

Thinking that maybe two years away from church has been enough for me to get rid of some of the bitterness.
That maybe I need to stop being overly critical and not expect perfection. That I should start looking and find a pastor that cares more about preaching the Word of God than twisting the Word so he can make his Escalade payment.

I want to get back to the place where when things go right instead of thinking "Wow things fell into place again" I think "God is taking care of me."

I need to be back in that place.

I need to stop fighting with myself.

In many ways I have grown and become a better person over the last two years. But in other ways I have deteriorated. I have become more self sufficient but in doing so I haven't been giving credit where credit is due.

I have gone from "feeling" everything and having other peoples problems affect me to having this wall up so nothing hurts, nothing affects me, almost an indifference. A necessary evil but there are times when I want to shut it off and can't. I don't want to be a blubbering mess every time something happens but I also don't want to be indifferent.

When I was a teenager my faith was strong. I knew what God wanted to do with my life and I went with it. I felt him on a regular basis. I KNEW he loved me, that he would show me what to do and as long as I just went with it life would work out.

Now its like there are some dings and rust holes in my faith.

I keep telling myself that things are going to work out but my heart and head are fighting about that to. I'm scared.

For the first time in a very long time I am scared.